When a Family Member Lies and Stirs the Pot
Decease brings out the best and worst in families. Working with patients and families at the finish-of-life, nosotros've seen behavior that runs all along the spectrum. And though we love to celebrate positive, warm-fuzzy, supportive, interactions, today we're going to spend a footling time talking about family fighting later on a death.
When otherwise amicable friend groups and families fight after a death, it can experience like a secondary loss. You're trying to cope with the death of your loved 1, and of a sudden your support system is non only unsupportive but a source of additional stress.
If this has been your feel, please know that you are not alone. Not fifty-fifty close! Then many people tin relate to family fighting subsequently a death. What's the number i source of conflict? You guessed it, fighting over material possessions.
As hard as it is for many of usa to admit, countless families who never imagine there would be conflict over material things are suddenly overwhelmed by disagreement over estates and belongings.
Common Material Conflicts:
When to begin sorting through belongings. Some people are ready right away, some people want more fourth dimension before sorting through items.
Who gets what. Especially when there is non a will, but even when there is a will, there are often many household items or sentimental objects that are not accounted for.
What to go along and what to give abroad. Zipper to objects can vary greatly from person to person. While one person may desire to save every Tupperware container and tube of chapstick that mom ever owned, other family members may be quick to toss those items in the trash.
Whether to go along or sell a house. Houses can have tremendous sentimental value, making them something many family members don't desire to part with. Houses can as well concord tremendous value, making them something many family unit members may desire to sell right away.
Money money money. Whether it is scraping together money to pay for a funeral, or dividing up depository financial institution accounts and investments without a volition for articulate guidance, money can quickly become a sore spot.
Additional sources of conflict:
In that location are many other sources of strain and conflict that can arise for families. In that location is no fashion I could cover them all here, merely some other common conflicts are:
Disagreements about treatment at the end of life. Conflict can begin fifty-fifty earlier a loved one dies when families disagree about goals of care, withdrawing support at the hospital, and caregiving responsibilities.
Arrangements. Questions like whether someone will be buried or cremated, where volition the service be held, where will they be buried, etc. tin can bring surprising strife between family members.
Relocating. Afterward a decease, information technology is not uncommon that people may move, either past choice or out of necessity. This tin can split a family unit geographically and exist devastating for those who feel left behind.
Custody. When decease results in children who must be cared for, disharmonize tin arise around who volition get custody of the children if this was non predetermined.
Different grieving styles. We all grieve in unlike ways and on different timelines. When people are grieving differently this can exist a major source of conflict within families. This is especially common if one family fellow member thinks another is non equally impacted past the death or they are 'moving on' besides quickly.
How to cope with family fighting after a expiry:
I wish we had an easy solution to solve all conflict. If we did, nosotros'd probably be busy making the rounds on Oprah and Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. All we can provide a niggling insight into why these conflicts may arise and a few suggestions to cope.
The Brain
Did you know that when people experience stress, their brains really work differently? Information technology'due south true! I don't want to go bogged down in neuroscience, just all you really demand to know is this: in that location are parts of our brain that recall rationally and in that location are parts of our brain that think more on impulse and emotion.
When someone is in a heightened country due to a stressful or traumatic upshot, it is harder to think with the rational part of the brain so they default to using the emotional parts of their brain. These are the parts that struggle with reasoning, memory, and long-term thinking.
Ultimately, when multiple people, under stress, acting from a place of emotion collaborate, conflicts can arise.
Control
Experiences related to death and grief often make people feel a loss of control. As CS Lewis said, "No one ever told me grief felt and then like fright". This change, loss of control, and loss of stability can be terrifying.
During this time certain family members may seek to regain a sense of command any fashion they can. They may try to program the funeral without getting anyone else'southward input. They may decide they immediately want to sort through belongings. They may try to exert control over other family members grief and coping.
Helping some other family fellow member to have a sense of control, while communicating how their actions are making others feel, can be helpful. If control seems to be a driving factor, other family members may be able to help guide this person's free energy into things that would be useful and that may cause less family strife.
Communication
Communication (or lack thereof) can exist a key effect that leads to conflict. If a plan isn't fabricated for who, when, and how certain things will be handled, it is not uncommon for one person to go rogue. Communicating isn't ever easy, but it is crucial to reducing conflict.
If at all possible, make a plan correct away for how and when things will be handled. Concord on a time frame to all sit down together to get over the will, discuss side by side steps, and ensure anybody is on the same page. Make a plan for regular updates and advice between family members.
If information technology is too belatedly for proactive planning, focus on giving feedback and getting back on track. Keep in mind that emotions are running loftier, so it is particularly important to communicate finer. Try to avoid accusatory statements. Instead, focus on expressing your ain experience.
This is the old "use 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements" trick. And then, for example, instead of proverb, "I tin't believe you threw abroad mom's wearing apparel without talking to me first. You are so self-centered and thoughtless". Instead, yous could say, "I was actually hurt when you threw away mom's clothes without talking to me first. Information technology made me feel similar you didn't care almost my grief or my attachment to those things.".
By focusing on the behavior, how it made yous feel, and the impact you tin can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive. Also, be open to their feedback. You probably haven't been perfect either, then try to openly listen to what they need from y'all.
Generalizing the Negative
Try not to generalize or globalize negative behaviors to condemn the person on a whole. For instance, you lot and cousin John have been close for 35 years and you think he is a corking guy. After the death of your grandmother, he seems selfishly fixated on getting buying of her car. You are outraged and appalled, so y'all recall to yourself, "Wow, I e'er thought John was a skillful person. At present I see him for what he really is. I can't believe I never realized how greedy he is". All all of a sudden everything else John does is overcast past your new-found realization that John is a shady, greedy troll.
Timeout. Let's take a few steps back here. Grief makes us all do crazy, sometimes crappy, things that we oft regret. It is of import to cut people (and ourselves) some slack. People do all sorts of awful stuff when they grieve, and so view these things every bit poor choices due to an impossible time in life. It doesn't override the x, 15, 35, or 50 years of wonderful things you know most the person. Try to think that this may exist the exception in their beliefs, not the rule. Merely like you lot demand to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, yous demand to exist gentle and forgiving with others.
1 final tip – Arbitration
If in that location is truly no managing the conflict on your own, there are professional mediators who tin assist. They tin can piece of work with your family to get through the basic logistics. They are trained professionals and you lot may just observe some time with them can help you better empathise each other.
Here are a few additional posts related to this topic that yous may find helpful:
- Family Misunderstanding After a Death
- Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Material Possessions
- Grief Back up Gone Wrong: When You're Beyond 2nd Chances
- Sorting Through a Loved One's Belongings After a Death [Webinar and Resources]
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Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/
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